Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Indecision: A tautological approach

Interesting things are happening in my life. Very rapidly at that.

In the timespan of a month I have:
-Been offered two internships
-Attended and presented at the North Eastern Evolutionary Psychology Society Annual Conference
-Finished my IRB proposal
-Done an insane amount of research
-Conducted pilot research and compiled collected data
-Got hired at a new job
-Met Gordon Gallup Jr.
-Corresponded with Randy Thornhill

Eesh. My 2011 could end right now and I'd be perfectly alright with ending it on such a fantastic note. Even more so, I'd be fine ending it on such a confusing note as well.
At NEEPS I met a certain professor who I spent a decent amount of time with at the conference. I really enjoyed his company and, even more so, his brilliance. That's all fine and dandy, but I can't help but entertain the negative aspects of anything more than what has been established. I find him attractive and brilliant, hilarious and charming, and while the age difference is irrelevant in my eyes, the reaction of his coworkers concerns me most.
I don't want to engage in anything that would jeopardize his job or reflect poorly upon him. He certainly can't be dumb to the possibility of negative repercussions, but I don't know if that's because it's a non-issue or some other reason. Beyond that, I don't even know if that's my main complaint with the whole situation. I mean, hell, I made-out with a respected professor after meeting him the day before. Coming to terms with that enormous happenstance should probably be the first step, if I thought one bit rationally.
 He wanted me to stay the night with him and now that I look back on it, I wish I had. Or do I? Do I? It was by some weird perversion of events that I ended up in his hotel room after drinking most of a bottle of wine--my eyes were probably spinning around like a mad woman or some kind of rabid hog--but somehow I managed to play it off so coyly. I left and went back to my hotel room, but not before letting myself slip out of character and into slutitude.
Maybe that's what I'm most upset about. I let myself slide out of composure as a result of defenestrating myself at the altar of alcohol. I hate when other people do that; by proxy, I hate when I do that. I kissed a man I enjoy and respect, but I did so in an disrespectable manner. "Hi. I find you incredibly attractive. Allow me to throw myself at you." Coquettish, petty, and naive.
I'd like to talk to him about this, but no guy wants to deal with a chick who, right off the bat, becomes a wacko nut job of regrets and blabbers on about "Oh, I didn't mean to do this," or "Golly, I didn't want to do that." It's so.. I don't know the word. Juvenile? The inability to decide "Yes? Or no?" and then to regret one's decision later. In addition to regretting the decision, but turning the same stone over and over in one's mind until the rocky surface is worn smooth by touch and all the facets for which were being decided are slew off and forgotten. The topic is then moot; the horse is completely dead.

The bull in the china shop here is talk to him and explain this in a reasonable manner, but agh. It's so frustrating. I've known him since Friday. That's hardly enough to be emotionally invested in a guy in another state that I won't get to see that often, that's..., this is all so silly. I kissed a guy I'm interested in, who I happen to find phenomenally brilliant, and I'm freaking out over it. I'll have to mull over my own neuroticism later to figure out the mechanisms of why I'm running through this circular thought of dating apocalypse.

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